Occasionally, I get that call that just stops me from being able to think. My mind just gets all twisted and I am not sure what to say to this confused person on the other end of the phone line.
A mother called today about her 34 year old son. He has been having problems since he was 16 years old. Now he is having BIG problems with drugs, just had surgery, has no job, lost his wife, cannot work, and all he does is shoot up heroin. She has spent a lot of money paying his rent, bills, insurance, etc. only to find out that the money has been going to drugs. She is, understandably and justifiably, sick of it, sick of him and does not want to do anything more to help him.
Her point of view is she has done enough and that he should now step up to the plate and do something to help himself. He should pay for his own drug rehab program, he should make the calls, he should get all the insurance information and get himself to treatment.
I have been working in drug rehab for ten years and have dealt with 100s of families. I have heard and seen a lot. The chance of her son doing all that , or even any of that, is about zero. The basic reason he is in this situation is that he has no life skills, no idea of responsibility and no idea of how to survive. It is not realistic to expect that he would now, by some miracle, get himself together and do something that dramatic.
If she does not now do all she can to help him get to treatment, he will be on his own and could very likely die. And maybe some would say he deserves it. It’s not her fault. She already helped him enough. OK, maybe. But that is not going to save him right now and in the end, a funeral will cost about $15,000 — or more if the family will want more than just the bare minimum.
His only hope right now is his family and her help. If she refuses to help him no one will pick up where she left off and save him. There just are not enough resources in our country to do that.
It does take courage to help people. The disappointments and heartbreaks are definitely a potential. But the rewards far out-weigh the hardships and I pray that this mother will have a change of heart and help her son to freedom from the slavery of addiction.
At anytime during the process of getting a drug addict to treatment you can do an intervention. Honestly, I have seen so much time and thousands of dollars wasted and more importantly, death, due to delayed interventions, that at this point, I say just cut to the chase and do an intervention.
I know it can be confusing to the family. Why should you do an intervention if the addict is not willing to go to treatment? If you cannot convince him, who will?
A drug user is much more likely to listen to an outsider, not a family member or close friend, when it comes to going to treatment, especially if the person doing the intervention is a former user.
From my personal experience, if you find that after a couple of attempts you are not successful at getting the addict to treatment, it will be a lot faster, with a lot less drama, to hire someone that knows what they are doing and get it done.
No one wants to be a drug addict — it is a horrible life to live. But one can understand why the family would be confused and frustrated: You ask the user if they want help and they violently say, “No!”, steal your money, lie to you and break your heart and you say, “They must not be ready.” And no one blames you for thinking this — but realize that you are not dealing with a simple, single unit person. You are fighting a force that has taken over the basic personality of the user — the addiction itself, which so closely resembles the person you love, it can seem like one and the same — but it is not. You are dealing with two things here: the person himself (who wants to be happy, honest and loving) and his bio-chemical (drug addict) personality.
Being “ready” for treatment does not mean that the user has to admit being a user and that they have hit “rock bottom”. Being “ready” means that we have gotten enough agreement from the drug user that things in their life could improve and they are interested in change.
Per my good friend and associate, David Lee, who is a professional interventionist, 9 out of 10 of his interventions succeed — but only 1 out of every 10 families that reach out to him for intervention ever actually do one. So that means that out of a 100 families, where 90 could have ended up in treatment with the help of a professional intervention, only 9 ever do. Potentially, that is 81 drug users who could have been gotten into treatment faster and more effectively, with less drama and wasted money. Financially, it makes total sense to do an intervention and to do it fast.
Then you can sleep at night knowing your loved one is finally getting the help they need and are on their way to a drug-free, honest life. And wouldn’t that be nice?
I just got off the phone with a very nice elderly gentleman who unwittingly became the victim of prescription drug abuse. This is so common that it just boggles the mind that doctors who prescribe the pain medications and who are aware that addiction could develop, don’t closely monitor their patients or have a plan for them if they do become addicted.
This particular man that called today, has never been addicted to anything before; he is an active member of society, has been working the same job for 27 years, has a wife, two grown kids and two dogs, pays his bills, no drama in his life except that he broke both his arms within a six month period. That required a casts and some pain medications to help him through it. He found out he was addicted when he tried to quit taking the pain medication and discovered it was not that simple. The only reason he is now still on the medication is because he has not figured out a way to quit the drug without the pain of withdrawal.
This situation is so common that I wonder how it is that doctors are not trained to take their patients off medications safely if they are the ones who put them on those drugs in the first place. A plan “B” would be a logical precaution. No?
And what about the makers of the drug. Where is their responsibility? With all the clinical testing they do, why don’t they develop a program for people who want to get off their medication? I actually had a woman who was addicted to xanax call the maker of xanax to ask how to get off the meds. Their reply was that she call her doctor; his answer was go to detox. Detox could cost $500-$1,000 a day!
The rule of thumb used to be that if you did not use drugs before the age of 21, you were likely to never become a drug addict. In today’s world, with billions of dollars in prescriptions being sold around the world, this is no longer true. People who never had any addiction issues before, find themselves trapped with no way out and no help from the very people who betrayed their trust — their own doctor, the FDA and big pharma.
The solution to this issue is to become aware. Pass on what you know to others. Know that doctors are not perfect and they too could make mistakes. Learn all you can about any prescription you are given — that’s not hard to do in this wonderful age of the internet. This is your body, your health and you have the right to good information and good, reliable care — demand it and don’t be afraid to ask questions and GET answers.
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In our program we have learned what it takes to effectively deliver drug abuse prevention presentations. Just to illustrate the effectiveness of true prevention, here are some comments that came in just in the past few days from students that attended our presentations.
MY THOUGHTS ABOUT DRUGS DID CHANGE. I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE A 55 YEAR OLD WOMAN SITTING AT MY HOUSE WITH NO BRAIN. I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL, AND I KNOW FROM THIS TALK TODAY, I CAN BE SUCCESSFUL WITHOUT DRUGS. 11th grade student.
I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE SAFE TO TRY SOMETHING ONCE, AND THAT THERE WOULDN’T BE A PROBLEM IF I WAS CAREFUL. BUT NO, I LEARNED THAT IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT. THANK YOU (C:
“I’VE SEEN FRIENDS I LOVE BECOME DIFFERENT JUST AFTER ONE YEAR ON DRUGS. IT HURTS TO WATCH, SO MAYBE NOW I CAN HELP THEM INSTEAD OF JUST STANDING ON THE SIDE LINE AND WATCHING THEM FADE.”
“I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING SOMETHING [DRUG] SOMETIME THIS WEEK BUT AFTER LISTENING TO WHAT HAPPENS I DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE.” 9th Grader.
It is not true that all kids will try drugs. It is not true that kids inherit addiction from their family. It IS true that kids have very little information from reliable sources regarding drugs. They find out what drugs do from friends and drug dealers but they don’t know why drugs do that, or what happens to their body and mind when they ingest a toxic chemical. These are important bits of information that if taught the right way, could make the difference between deciding to do a drug or not to do a drug and subsequently the difference between life and death.
For some time it has been known that children in foster care are victims of over-prescribing by doctors and psychiatrists. The CCHR website says that “42 percent of all kids in foster care are taking three or more mood-altering drugs.” Does that mean that nearly half of foster care children are “mentally ill”? Is that even possible? Personally, in the course of my work, I have spoken to social workers who openly admitted to me that foster care children are prescribed an alarming amount of psychiatric drugs.
But worse than that, one of the most horrific situations I can think of is a foster child being used as a test subject by the drug companies as has been the case in Florida. But this week, finally, some sanity found its way to the Florida’s foster care system. A Florida spokeswoman said, “…the Department of Children and Families, not the FDA, is responsible for the protection of children in its care and takes those responsibilities extremely seriously. To that end, we have, by administrative procedures, prohibited the use of children in state care in clinical trials relating to the development of new psychotropic medications.”
This is great news.
So often I receive calls from people that went for help only to find themselves in a worse situation after going to a detox or rehab. Why? Prescription drugs. These people wanted to get OFF drugs only to find themselves on five, six or even nine medications, all of them addictive. How is a person supposed to get out of the trap if the only “help” they receive (from those they are supposed to trust) sabotages their intentions to stay clean?
But the ones that suffer most of all are the children who never intended to be drug addicts but due to a set of unfortunate circumstances found themselves in foster care being drugged, sometimes to death. These unsuspecting kids are being put on addictive, mind altering drugs at an alarming rate and yes, this is a great cause for concern for the drug prevention industry.
How the heck are we supposed to keep up with this onslaught of drug abuse? How are these unsuspecting kids supposed to fight back against the very people that are supposed to help them? And how is this country going to handle drug addiction related issues that result from this barrage of prescription abuse? Economically, this is a nightmare. Spiritually it is a disaster beyond measure.
If you know someone on medications, do a favor to yourself and them, and make sure you do all the research necessary to understand what the prescription is and what it is for.
And to get you started on your research, here are a couple of websites and videos:
Florida Senators Discuss Mind Altering Medications for Kids
Drugging Our Children: Side Effects
In the field of drug rehab it is often believed that heroin addiction cannot be overcome. Many drug detox and rehab programs have given up trying to help heroin drug addicts to overcome their addiction and have turned to replacement drugs as a “solution”.
There are several theories behind drug replacement but the bottom line is that heroin addiction has not been cured and many who have gone the route of drug replacement found themselves in either the same situation they were in to begin with or in a worse one.
But there are some who have not given up the fight and have worked tirelessly to help heroin users to overcome their addiction without drugs — a totally drug-free approach that has been very successful.
Marc Murphy beat a 12-year heroin addiction and has a story to tell. This video is beautiful and gives one hope for a drug-free life.
In the last couple of weeks I have gotten an alarming increase of phone calls for detox and rehab where the addict is getting benefits from Social Security Disability Insurance because they have been labeled “bipolar”. In one instance, three people in one household are unemployed and on government aid due to bipolar and other issues. And two of the three are using government funds to pay not only their mortgage but for their illegal drugs as well.
To my great surprise, the callers were concerned about the illegal drugs that the drug addicts were using but not at all worried about the amazingly mind altering, addictive medications they were taking for their bipolar.
None of the callers made the connection that the legal medications may be a much bigger problem that is contributing to the decline in the users’ ability to function in life.
The Enablers
If you have been dealing with addiction for any length of time, you would have by now heard the term “enabling”.
Enabling simply means making it possible for a drug user to continue their drug habit unimpeded and protected from consequences. Parents are the worst victims of enabling. They (naturally) care so much about their children that they will do anything to make sure their child is not suffering the consequences of their addiction.
The most common form of enabling is giving money to a drug user in an effort to help them. Unfortunately the best way to push a drug user further into his/her addiction is to directly or indirectly give him/her money.
As a counselor, one of my biggest challenges is to handle a family that is enabling. Because as long as the family is enabling—in other words keeping the drug user comfortable—then my chances of helping the drug user are almost zero.
Usually there are one or two enablers in the family who are completely unaware of what they are doing and they assume that the user is “not doing that bad”. The enablers are convinced that their “help” is aiding the addict when in fact it is doing quite the opposite. It sometimes takes a professional intervention on the enablers before any intervention can be done to help the drug user.
But now there is a new enabler to deal with—the government. Regardless of your political views, whether you think we have a good government or bad it is undeniable that our government is enabling drug users. The amount of money that drug users get in the form of disability checks is staggering. Why would a drug user ever have any incentive to quit using drugs if they are paid for by another (in other words free) and he can still have a roof over his head and enough food to survive?
“All in favor that Johnny is bipolar, say I.”
And here is another facet to this problem that makes it nearly impossible to solve:
- There is no, and never has been any, way to physically diagnose bipolar. Bipolar has never been proven to be a scientifically, verifiable disease. There is no blood test, no brain scan, no urine test or hair analysis that can show this abnormality under a microscope. There is no denying that people roller coaster in life but as far as the term “bipolar”, that word is just a label for certain behaviors, not a brain chemical imbalance or some other physical abnormality.
- The only way you can get a diagnosis of bipolar is based on what the patient (and in our case the drug user) and/or what the patient’s family might tell the doctor. This is a completely subjective diagnosis – it is based on opinions, feelings and personal experience. So a drug user can get a prescription to just about any drug they want—a little research and they are sure to fine the “right” doctor.
- Bipolar medications are very addictive and very difficult to withdraw from. And, just as a bonus, there is a long list of “side effects” for bipolar medications which includes some possible permanent damage that will forever incapacitate a person. That long warning label which comes with each prescription is not just there to protect the bottle from getting damaged. These warnings are for real, observable reactions to these medications.
- There is no cure for “bipolar”. Endless research is going into finding a cure for an illness that has never even been verified as a legitimate disease. Per the pharmaceutical companies, who spend billions in advertizing, you can only “manage” bipolar. In other words, you are now a customer for life.
So, put yourself in the shoes of a counselor that is trying to help a family.
- You have a drug user that has been labeled “bipolar” and is taking addictive medications for a disease that really does not exist.
- The medications can cause a worsening of depression, anxiety and completely alter a person’s perceptions – just as illegal drugs do.
- The addict, who by the way was more than likely already using illegal drugs before he was diagnosed as bipolar, is using illegal drugs just for an extra kick.
- And the drug user is on Social Security Disability because they were diagnosed bipolar and he gets regular checks from the government.
Well I thought I had problems when it was just the family that was enabling. But I ask you: How the heck am I supposed to do an intervention on a government that enables drug users?
Honestly, when I get such calls, I know that I have so little chance of helping that I usually do the only thing I know to do—send information by email and hope and pray that it will help.
I continue to be touched by the people I talk to every day. There is so much love and compassion out there; one just has to reach out when in need and someone will reach back. Bonnie Roberts is a lovely person that I had the pleasure of being it touch with while she was helping a friend through his addiction.
Bonnie sent to me an email with a poem she wrote. She said,“Before I share the poem, I just want everyone to know that it was written for a friend who has a problem with addictions. I wrote this looking through my friends eyes even though the words are through mine. I’ve seen this person lose everything from his woman, job, children, family, friends, earthly possessions and so forth…… My heart goes out to anyone who has to watch a loved one just give up everything because of an ADDICTION that runs their every waking moment.”
“BENEATH MY ADDICTIONS”
By Bonnie Roberts
Beneath my addictions; is a man who’s all alone
Has nowhere else to run to; pushed out my “comfort zone”
I chose this road I’m traveling; for years that’s all I’ve known
That’s how I try to stop the hurt; my life is not my own
I’ve lost all sense of self-control; for liquor and some pills
I let addictions create my path; they choose the way I feel
Abandoned all who loves me; temporarily insane
My mind stays filled with terror; I just want to stop the pain
I know down deep inside; there’s a man who longs to be
A father, a son, a brother and friend; but the addictions won’t let that be
I say that, “I can beat this”; but on my own it’s just not so
I know what kind of help I need; but my addictions scream, “Don’t go”
Why leave this friend you depend on; don’t you like the way I make you feel
Your mind tells you “I’m all the friends you need; a bottle and a pill
I’ve taken all who loves you; and I’ve pushed them all away
I’ve even took material things; so my friend only you would stay
Afraid to face the past alone; afraid to let it go
Scared of how life could really be; if you finally told me no
Without me pain would flood your thoughts; is that what you want to see
A life filled with love and happiness; but with me that will never be
I’ll take, and take, and take from you; as long as you turn to me
A friend is what you think I am; but in the end, you’ll only see
That I’ve stole from you your wives, your kids; your family and friends
A good woman who would’ve loved you most; if you could put me to an end
Beneath my addictions; hides the man I long to be
True freedom is just a step away; when I can finally say “Help me”
I need help to mend the rights I’ve wronged; Hearts broken along the way
Help to heal things that I’ve done; only the addictions made me do and say
I need help to heal the pain of war; for an army I proudly served
Help to find the “inner man” I lost; to regain the life that I deserve
Standing on my own two feet again; is where I long to be
I’ll try an reach for outstretched hands; to those who want to help set me free
Beneath my addictions; right now is where I am
I know with love and help from my true friends; back on top is where I’ll stand
Thank you Bonnie!
There is nothing sadder than watching a parent fall into the trap of enabling and sympathizing with their child’s addiction.
To be clearer on that point: there is a world of difference between sympathy and compassion.
Sympathy is agreement. It’s the agreement of the sympathizer with the addict that they are poor and helpless against their addiction. Sympathy is the easy way to “deal” with addiction – there is not much action involved in feeling sorry for someone.
Compassion is a much more effective approach to addiction. Compassion means you see the pain, you see the antisocial traits, you understand, but you are also willing to do what it takes to help the addict win the battle against their addiction – even if it is hard to do. It is not compassionate to watch a drug addict suffer or torment others while you simply feel sorry for them.
In the past two days, I have had two separate families call me about an addict in their family that is completely abusing, verbally and even physically, his/her elderly parents. In both cases, the families’ ability to effectively do something about it is nonexistent due to the long history of sympathetic and enabling behavior toward the addict.
CASE 1: The daughter is in her 40s and lives at home with both elderly parents. Her addiction is so out of control that she is not just hurting herself, she harasses her elderly father – who is in poor health mentally and physically – for money to the point where he locks himself up in his bedroom waiting for her to stop pounding on the door. He has given in so many times in the past that she knows with absolute certainty that she will win if she persists – so she does: endlessly. The father is unable to face kicking her out of the house in spite of the torment they are going through.
CASE 2: An elderly mother called about her 40 year old son who is an addict and HIV positive. In order to control his mother and keep her from making any effort to stop his abusive behavior, he threatens that he will stop taking his HIV medications. She is afraid for his life and when he gets into trouble she rescues him by giving him money, food and a roof over his head. His condition has deteriorated to such a degree that he no longer recognizes friend from foe and she is in terror of him when he gets high.
When you are dealing with an addict you are not dealing directly with the person himself. While it is hard to separate the addict from his/her addiction, it is vital that the family understands that by allowing the addict to control the family with guilt and fear, they are fueling the fires of their addiction.
The addiction has taken over the person to such a degree that the person himself is deeply buried and is no longer in control of the situation. Everything the addict says and does is dictated by the addiction, not the person himself. Every time the parents give in, or have pity, they are sympathizing and giving in to the ADDICTION not to the person they love and care about.
Rewarding addiction and bad behavior with money and support only empowers the addictive behavior, prolongs the pain and buries the real person deeper in their addiction.
There is no one answer or magic bullet that will fix addiction or make a person snap out of their abusive behavior toward themselves and others. The illusive bottom that people have to hit before they can change is only delayed by the family if they continue to reinforce the addictive behavior with rewards and sympathy.
If the addict has any chance at all at making it, it will be because the family has pulled together and blocked all the manipulations and abuse. The family has to hold the reins TIGHT and not tolerate any abusive behavior. The attack is on the addiction – not the individual – and you must always remind the addict of that. You are on their side. You are not attacking him/her – you are just not going to give in to their addiction.
By exerting positive control over the addict and their addiction – such as getting them into treatment – or by not tolerating abuse of family members, the parents can help calm the situation down. It won’t be easy at first – fear is a powerful force and old habits are hard to break both for the addict and the family – but not doing so is by far the worse of the two choices.
It takes a lot of courage to do the right thing. Compassion for animals, people, the planet, carries with it the responsibility of doing something about it. When the addict has lost all control of himself and his addiction, his best hope is his family. At that point, if he destroys his family, he has nothing left.